The Invisible Woman Syndrome : Aging & Irrelevance

Why we are overlooked and undervalued as we age.

At 45, it is said, women begin to loose a marketable quality in relationships and in their careers. The number 45 has become the demarcation between youthful vigor and gradual decline. The Invisible Woman Syndrome pinpoints this year as the marker of when we start to see the affects of aging and slowly fade into the corner.

On February 2nd, 2020 it was a sequin studded moment of happenstance that the Invisible Woman Syndrome was graced with a new poster child. It was with choreographed precision produced by the Jennifer Lopez Team that millions gasped and knew our half-time as women could not be ignored. , Her performance was a prolific statement oozing in decadence and packaged with jaw dropping sexual bravado. J.LO orbited the pole on Super Bowl Sunday to be met with quiet admiration from ladies like myself as we witnessed a tiny crack in the collective attitude towards aging.

With a leader like Jennifer Lopez at the helm we are equally bombarded with counter intuitive messages that our 50's shall be relegated to a space of decreased sexual appeal, decreased professional importance and a rapid influx of health issues . And leading the way are advertisers like Osteo Bi-Flex. @ostebi-flex #osteobiflex

Marketing our Invisibility to the Masses.

How 52 is marketed by Osteo Bi-Flex:

She is the main character in an advertisement for a joint relief supplement (pictured above). She is visibly aged with long grey hair and costumed in an evergreen uniform of khakis and a practical cardigan. With the numbers 52 blazing on the screen you become acutely aware that this number represents the effort of a major corporation who capitalizes on further propagating the stereotype of the Invisible Woman. To be fair, this 52 year old woman looks happy- relishing her spinsterhood. However, behind the smile is a dedicated marketing machine pedaling a message of mid-century malaise. It is a message that has been solidified and sold to the masses that our relevance in society diminishes at a rapid rate as we enter our fifth decade.

This year I turned 47. It is hard for me to comprehend that I have logged 17,155 days of a relatively abundant existence. I was a decent daughter, a novice at advocating for girl power, a law school grad, a satisfactory spouse and giver of life-- four times over. With acute intention, I recognized this is now my time to navigate the rest of my years. I have become slightly untethered as I now feel less demand mothering four independent (ish) sons. In addition, while in the trenches of diapering and burping these helpless humans I worked my butt off to earn an educational foundation. At 47 I embraced my position and understood that this is the point in my life where I have the opportunity to channel my inner warrior and make my mark. Yet I am met with another uphill battle to climb. I am met with a new challenge-which is to prove my relevance.

This is the plight of many of my fellow Generation Exers. We have been released of the grueling yet amazing duties of motherhood, we have created a solid foundation in offertory skills. We, as Gen-Exers, are visibly sophisticated and do not take for granted the wisdom we have earned. Yet, we are passed over and dismissed for the newer, shinier version.

Does our fundamental appeal decline with every birthday candle we blow out? With each year we are gifted a new sophistication that only wisdom brings. And the cadence of our purposeful lives is marginalized to a space that suggests pleated khakis and sensible shoes are our destiny.

Is it our newly forming wrinkles that we worked so hard to earn?

This mid-life challenge becomes pronounced in the work force. I hear the angst from a multitude of savvy clients that they are overlooked in their professional lives as they do not feel recognized for their accomplishments and they are often viewed as outdated. And those women considering a career pivot are met with mounting resistance.

This should be the starting point for an evolution in our lives--yet the cultural mindset does not revere our applicable advancements.

While the Invisible Woman Syndrome gives a proverbial nod to women who are 45 or older the grasp of the syndrome affects women throughout a lifetime at different points in their journey. A woman of any age and any status may feel like her opinion isn’t important or that she’s irrelevant. She may feel unnoticed or unheard. There is a woman who feels like no one really knows her and another who feels like no one understands her. Perhaps you were overlooked from waitstaff who passed you by only to fill another, younger persons water cup? Or perhaps you were overlooked for a job promotion even though you were the most qualified candidate?

What can we do?

There is power in numbers. And it is hard to remain invisible when surrounded by other like-minded people. Start A Resilience Group. Ask a couple besties and suggest they invite a friend. By exchanging experiences and understanding potential obstacles is a liberating experience. Resilience shared --will lessen irrelevance and strengthen our voice.

Key Indicators of a Resilient Woman :

Adaptive coping styles

Community involvement

Independence

Gratitude

Contact with family and friends

High mobility

Happiness

Physical health

Lack of cognitive failures

Sense of purpose

Mental health

Social support and connectedness

Optimism/hopefulness

And be an advocate. Write companies like Osteo Bi-Flex and let them know that there is substantive value in a portrayal of a 50+ women as a sophisticated warrior. Change the conversation. Be the reason for the conversation.

To write a note to Osteo Bi-Flex start here: Email Directly Here.

Check out the commercial!

POST-SCRIPT

The message of female empowerment as we age is gaining momentum. If we compare the 80's version of a 50 year old woman against the quiet revolution created by the J.LO Effect -- there is progression. Admittedly I love myself some Blanche Deveraux, more specifically Rue McClanahan, the actress who portrayed an aging southern belle on the Golden Girls. McClanahan was 50 years of age when she graced NBC's biggest time slot. McClanahan's character was deemed a retired senior--who was fading into oblivion. It may seem a bit ridiculous now to be 50 and feel you are headed towards your twilight years--which is progress.

Think about it--we can chose to navigate our next fifty years as the Osteo Bi-Flex girl or as the sexy songstress of the Super Bowl. As for now, I leave with this.....

I have the unabashed confidence of a 50 year old pole dancing phenom when I proclaim-- I feel a revolution a-coming.

You got this girl. Julie

click here to check out J.Lo's Halftime Show

click here to hear Rue McClanahan's reflections

The 1 Thing That Stands in The Way of Your Success

It is you. You are the reason. You are not where you want to be because you are the biggest stumbling block in your way to landing that dream job or thriving in a healthy relationship. It is time to stop blaming all those around you and take a good look in the mirror.

Funny fact, well not exactly funny--it is more like an ironic observance. I have found myself fascinated by the collection of conversations I have each and everyday. These collective conversations are both personal and professional. And each conversation is woven with both inspirational overtones and phenomenal struggles. Each story produces varying plots but they all have one common thread- this common tie is that their life dissatisfaction comes from choices (notwithstanding illness). And all of these choices were made in direct correlation with how they feel about themselves.

Ask yourself-do you like what you see in the mirror? This is not merely a question of appearance- it is a question that asks do you like the person you are and do you reflect this feeling to the world? Ask yourself these questions:

Do you like the choices you make daily?

Do you enjoy the people you surround yourself with?

Do you show up for your life the way you truly should?

Do you compare yourself to those around you?

Do you impose impossible expectations on yourself?

Do you beat yourself up for past failures?

If you answered "YES" to any of these questions, ask yourself this: Do you love yourself? Do you love yourself the way you love your child, or your best friend or your fur baby?

“We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think. Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far.” Swami Vivekananda

Let's explore this a little more, your life is about choices. We cannot control everything, but we do have the ability to control our thoughts. We have the power to attach positive thoughts to neutral experiences. Such a simple concept can really change our trajectory.

Our thoughts lead to our choices. We have the option to take a right turn or a left turn. The right turn leads you to what you know (your comfort zone) and the left turn takes you up a mountain and leads you to new heights. The sum total result of your thoughts sometimes create the negative experiences you are desperately trying to avoid. For example, you do not pick a lackluster mate who sits on the sofa all day drinking beer and commenting on your shabby outfit. You made that decision to commit to this person based on what you think about yourself. Why would you deserve any more than this person in your life?

You do not chose to eat a tub of Ben and Jerry's and a Big Mac for a meal if you feel that you are a healthy person and make healthy choices. You do not settle for a job in food services if you are confident in your skills as a Marketing Exec. Is this ringing a bell?

The intersection of our thoughts and experiences leads usto our assessment of our inner-value. And when we feel icky inside it prompts us to make choices that do not truly align with our core beliefs.

What Impacts Our Self-Esteem?

So why do we make bad choices? This process begins at an early age (I am not blaming mom and dad anymore). They begin with looking for external validation. They begin small and can grow into over powering negative loops in our heads that repeatedly detract us from our fullest potential.

Here are a few powerful reasons we get distracted and allow ourselves to align with outside opinions about ourselves. Take a minute to asses how you navigate these external influences:

1. your peer group

2. your family

3. your body image

4. media

5. your past mistakes

6. your understanding of past failures

7. your self imposed expectations

Take a look at the closest people who surround you. Are they accepting of you and ask nothing more of you? I pride myself on the ability to assess the "whole person" and to glean their trajectory by knowing that the people you surround yourself with have an influence on how you navigate your life. If someone is surrounded by a lack luster bunch of fear mongers your success will be tampered. I instinctively know that the journey ahead will be riddled with resistance. We as humans like what is comfortable. The word "comfort" connotates a feeling of relief or safety. When comfortable--there is no need to move from that space. When we raise the bar in our peer group, or professional space- we are forced on a feeling of uncomfortable-ness. And this is where change happens. Growth is born from change. And this is a muscle we must flex,. And often, when we are growing we feel a deep sense of being ill at ease. And just as a muscle we are trying to build, it is sore at first and then it becomes bigger and stronger.

A prominent variable in the self-esteem equation is our experiences with the first humans (our family of origin) who were expressly given the gift to care for us. I firmly believe we all do the best we can with the tools we have at a given moment. Yet some familial experiences are far more devastating than others.

Some of us did not win the prize in the family lottery. And the messages we get from a young age may be the mirror we look into every morning. Dysfunction runs long and deep and the facets of these relationships are so complicated. Families become enmeshed, co-dependent, controlling and often toxic. And when we perceive family loyalty as the underpinning that directs our lives it is hard to break free from this bondage. Breaking free of familial expectations casts us into a space of self-doubt and segregation. The task of chipping away at the DNA that has been passed on from generation to generation is an arduous exercise in resilience.

I have been told in the past that I am my own worse enemy.

Sound familiar? We beat ourselves up. We ruminate over past mistakes. We compare ourselves to the next best thing. We set our expectations so high that it is impossible for us to even achieve these goals. I remember walking home from school when I was in 2nd grade. I clearly remember it being an overcast spring day and I began begging with the universe to make me someone different. (Particular Nicky Dee, she had a really cool feathered bob, was athletic and seemed to command the attention of our peers). All I wanted to be was someone else. Obviously, this did not happen. But I spent years wishing I had a different body, a better hair cut, nicer clothes and more friends. At an early age I learned that I was not receiving validation from my peers because I was me and me was not good enough. And it was not until years later and decades of feeling "less than" I started to question my thought pattern.

Self -Flagellation is not relegated to a certain demographic. We as women, in particular, touch upon those moments when we doubt our skillset. I had a dynamic client named Elizabeth. Elizabeth was a seasoned legal advocate and even testified before congress. Elizabeth too, ran for public office and fought the good fight. Although, she lost by a slim margin I basked in the glory that was her. She was bold and unabashedly courageous. She came to my office wanting assistance in a career pivot. My immediate reaction was disbelief. This woman embodies everything I want to be. And when she handed me her resume I saw a document that screamed, "UNWORTHY". Her resume was an underselling of her most valuable projects. She minimized accolades--or even omitted them all together. Quickly our discussion became laser focused on her self-esteem. Her esteem was an entanglement of self talk that prioritized her failures.

Elizabeth's self doubt began when her origin family blended into a new family. Step-brothers and new babies made her feel invisible. In her marriage she was de-valued for all her accomplishments. She allowed her closest circle to keep bombarding her with negative distractions. Elizabeth began working on strengthening her sense of self. She practiced self-care. She released the ties that held her hostage for so many years. She saw that her greatest responsibility was to herself so she could create a bigger impact world wide. Elizabeth is slowly moving towards another campaign. And there is no doubt in my mind that with this new understanding her victories and embracing her failures will cast her as a political leader.

With so many moving parts in this agile navigation of life we have the potential to obliterate the way we feel about ourselves in a split second.

What can we do to dull these dis-affirming words in our heads?

1. The first step is to become fully aware of yourself. To understand yourself is to realize that the intense beauty and valuable skills you hold within you, is the key to liberation. Change cannot and will not happen without self awareness, my friend. If you don't know who the heck you are-how can you make a choice based on a fundamental misunderstanding? Explore your likes, your dislikes and your values. Ask yourself what motivates you? What excites you?

2. Recognize when the self-negating talk starts. This simple step of recognition will put a chokehold on this loveless habit.

3. Understand and harness your X-Factor. Your X-Factor is that "special something" that is noteworthy. Perhaps you have a hidden talent? Or do you have a secret passion for doing something slightly out of the ordinary? When you unearth this unique quality, or your X-Factor grab a friend and conduct an informal beta-test. quality beta-test.

4. Take baby steps outside of your comfort zone. Try something new. Really feel the uncomfortable-ness. Grab a piece of paper and start scrawling those amazing ideas for that book you have been dreaming about. Test out that flow-box class or martial arts class that you have been interested in but always looked intimidating. Is life not too short to let mediocrity win?

5. Join a group of like minded humans. It does not matter the topic. It does not matter the format. It just matters that you do not feel so alone in your journey.

6. Find a mentor. Or a therapist. Or even a coach. Objective reflection can bring clarity.

7. Tell yourself you are worthy daily. Tell yourself that you are worthy just because you are you. Because you are. Worthy.

You got this, Julie

When I Did Nothing (nothing happened)

I am not a poet. I do not claim to be a poet. However, after the murder of George Floyd, I felt an unrelenting urge to put pen to paper. The jarring reality post-Floyd, was a lesson for me in white privilege. It is our moral responsibility to keep learning and to keep questioning the inequities in society. This is my attempt to explain the unexplainable.

Days of beige.

No color.

No questions.

Hours bleed into one another.

The is comfort,

in remaining

complacent.

I do nothing.

I stay safe.

And,

I stand trapped

With indignation

and the ambient beat of cries

sear. into. our. brains.

saying nothing

doing nothing.

being nothing.

Fevers rise.

Pulses quicken

a collective rhythm.

The call to action

amplifies.

Urgency. And still,

No questions asked.

Frozen in fear.

Confined by the prison

of Self Doubt.

Confined by this bubble of

the voices that judge.

That dictate. And,

Time fades.

The cries twist in the wind.

With a silenced fist.

Yet,

I Did Nothing.